In attendance are the lovely and talented Clark, P-Dub, Bill Schmotz, Steve (the reason we’re all here), and John “Wesley” Johnson III. The first topic Spike calls “Mother Hubbard All Over Again” (but he actually means a different nursery rhyme). According to Spike “The Health Minister of Population is saying that they are trying to combat the apopolictic decline in the county’s birf rate in Italy”. In the topic he calls “What celebrity made being bald cool?” He says, “Let’s take a show poo!” Luckily we don’t. He also asks, “Yul Brennan… wasn’t he the guy who said Moses and the Heebro Lights wanna be doin’ some stuff?” and “Who came first, Issac or Mike?” We discuss something shiny that writes itself and wether we want to be fired in person, on the phone, or after the summer is over. I assure you, once you actually listen to this show you still won’t understand any of it.
Our regular cast of characters is joined by the lovely and talented Billie and the un-uglier Jessie Stehlik (of “Happily Ever Caffeinated“). As “Turtle Talk” says in the chatroom… “This is confusing”. Topic #1 Spike calls “Paper Or Plastic.” It’s about New York trying to encourage people to use re-usable shopping bags. But what we actually learn is that Spike thinks “Europe is a 3rd world country”. Topic #2 Spike calls, “Don’t Hold Your Breff. It’s Only A Test.” Apparently Spike thinks that people shouldn’t have colored gas. This problem is solved when “Mapadmin” (in the chatroom) recommends using Febreze. Topic #3 is “Totally Useless Facts”. Maximum possible score is 7 points. Minimum possible score is 8 points. Yet the winner receives 84 points, because nothing rhymes with “munf”. The new Spike On The Mic mascot is a caterpillar that can fire it’s poop great distances, much like the show itself. This show was fired several feet.
This week’s show features many happy “returns”. Besides our normal lovely and talented crew members, this week marks the return of the lovely and talented Cindi & Lynn along with the lovely and talented Steve & Wesley. We ran out of microphones. Topic #1 called “No Work & Pay” involved a man named Fredrick in French near the Isles Of Langerhan who sued his employer for giving him $90,000 a year to do nothing. Topic #2 started out as something about a small town not wanting a chicken factory, but ended up providing us the opportunity to say the word “nicker” over and over. Topic #3 involved a 70 year old criminal who got herself busted for borrowing a book from the library when she was 3 years old and not returning it until she was 70. The final topic involves taking selfies with unconscious (a.k.a. sleeping) lovers. This gives Bill Schmotz the opportunity to imply he is sleeping with “J-Lo” when, in fact, we know he sleeps with “Jello”.
With help from special guests, the lovely and talented Billie, Tatia, and “Old School”, we learn from Spike that we are “a hodge mattodge cosmotodge”. So we talk about the past, the present, the future, scientology, and underage drinking ninjas. Spike tells us that “the guy on the mountain” said, “It is better to not say anything and let people think that you you know what your saying, than to say something and don’t do it.” (I hadn’t heard that one) Spike calls our second topic “O.K. Now What?” which could easily be the name of all our topics. But Tatia does manage to mention having “amazing tits” which makes the whole topic worthwhile. During our discussion of “political correctness” Old School demonstrates why he’s not on very often by making too much good sense. Steve calls in and in just a couple of minutes erases any sympathy that may have built up due to his “absence”. Oh, did we mention the Villaggio Ristorante at 102 Flagship Dr, Lutz, FL, offering authentic Italian cuisine since 1989?
Clark is back, but Steve’s a no show. The lovely and talented ladies known as Cindi & Lynn (no E) return after an extended absence. The early part of the show gets devoted to all us tax filing procrastinators, and we explain to Spike the finer points of filing for an extension. During our first topic (if you don’t count taxes), which Clark calls “Look Before You Tweet”, a chat room listener named “Donkey Time” announces he’s leaving to find a better show. We gave him Steve’s address. I know it’s odd, but “Ketchup & Slaves” get grouped together during a topic in which Spike asks us to guess what should be on a list of the top 12 things that should be free. As usual it turns out that the article is actually a list of commonly used things, and how to get them for free, and that Spike hadn’t actually read the article. Then we learn two very interesting things… 1. There’s such a thing as an “informal rodeo”, and 2. participants at an informal rodeo use spurs and whips to injure each other. Clark helps us wrap up the show by letting us all know “What’s Trending?”. This show has been recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists that chew gum.
This episode features nearly our full cast. We are joined by the lovely and talented comedian John “Wesley” Johnson III, who we have adopted, and the lovely and talented comedian Tony Gaud, who joins us at least once a month. The only one missing is Clark, who has been on sabbatical but should rejoin us Monday April 18th. Steve starts out in a bad mood and we only make it worse by making fun of his bees. The 1st topic Spike calls “Female or Food, I can’t remember”. Spike tells us a study found that you should marry an intelligent woman to avoid “dimension” or perhaps just eat nutritious foods. Somehow this gets back to Steve’s gay bees that have purchased a new “Queen”. Steve gets sensitive and threatens to quit showing up, and of course Spike reacts by threatening to suspend him. We attempt to change the topic to Spike’s boycotting Oreos, but it turns out it’s hard to give up Oreos. Topic 3 brings us all back into focus because it involves a school teacher twerking. I have a feeling that Steve will be pissed and stay home with his bees for a couple of weeks until he eventually realizes that Spike pays for the beer on Monday nights, and he never should have given that up.
This show features all our lovely and talented regulars except Dr. Captain Clark who is on sabbatical. We are joined by the lovely and talented comedian John W. Johnson III who gets Spike “Swollen On The Nipples“. We were going to make that the name of this episode but were unable to come up with an acceptable illustration. Spike’s 1st topic he calls “Cheaper To Keep Her” and is the source of the title we went with. Spike, of course, opens by naming a nonexistent entity… “The End Of Life Of End Of Life And Committee Organization” (The E.O.L.O.E.O.L.A.C.O.) Our 2nd topic Spike calls “No Comma For You”. Despite all of us participating in this topic none of us have any idea what it is actually about, except maybe Spike got turned down as a room-mate. Next we make our kids walk behind the car, while we play a round of The Birthday Challenge. We wrap things up with a “Dear Spike On The Mic” letter about bygones being bygones. This show was selected by the E.O.L.O.E.O.L.A.C.O. to be buried with Spike.
In this episode Spike clearly needs a doctor, and clearly our doctor, Captain Clark, is absent. So a skeleton crew makes do. Steve suffers from having hives, and Spike thinks we should know what the first “pee” is for. And yet just 12 minutes in we know that this is our best show ever. The lovely and talented Bill Schmotz demonstrates that he can channel the late Johnny Cochran when he tells us, “If the toes point to the can, then you must go as a man”. The next topic, according to the lovely and congested Spike has to do with “Coach Shesheshkee and the lip rinking thing”. But when all is said and done the only solid conclusion we can make is that the left hand is for wiping.
This award deserving show features a special guest… “Elliott”, and a host of topics and games originated not by Chairman Spike, but by crew members Clark and Steve. After Spike is through with his introductions (in which he accidentally get his chromosomes right), Steve introduces his most convoluted yet hilarious topic yet – “Mathematics, Psychology, and Race Relations”, which immediately starts heading south when Steve confuses fractions and percentages. One twelfth is 8.33% and not 12%. He solves the worlds racial problems by having newborn babies draw one of twelve race cards randomly from a hat… at birth. Clark’s topic makes way more sense because it’s about the Nazis landing a craft propelled by electric particles in New Mexico in the late 40s. Finally we get to vote in the Round of 16 in a contest which will decide who is “The Biggest Asshole”. Copies of this show will be buried in Antarctica so that future Earth inhabitants will know why humans were asked to leave.